Monday, April 24, 2017

NIAW - National Infertility Awareness Week

My hardest daily task is to stay positive and it doesn't always get accomplished. Yesterday was the start of National Infertility Awareness Week and it’s wonderful to see all the positive and strong females out there holding it together. It is promising to see the ones that have been blessed with a child after their infertility struggle but it can also be hard because your struggle is not over.

It’s been almost 5 years since my husband and I got married and we have been trying for a baby for the last 4 years. With each year it gets harder and harder. This year has probably been the worst so far. I stopped going to church because honestly I don't feel it does any good and I feel God must hates us too put us through the things we have been through the last few years and I honestly can't get through a service without crying anymore. Truthfully, I wonder “what have I done so wrong that God feels we don’t deserve a child”. I see people who have no education, don’t work, live off the government and they can pop out kids left and right. I just don’t think it is fair. I went to school to try be able to provide for a family, I waited until I was married. What the F$%K did I do wrong?

I know I am supposed to be thankful for what I have and I am. I have an amazing husband and wonderful parents and grandparents but there is still a missing piece of the puzzle. Sometimes I don't know what could be worse. Knowing there is something else to try or just being told your journey is over, focus on something else. At least if someone told me my journey was other I could try to move on. It’s nice to hear a doctor tell you, you have another option but then it’s the stress of how and if you will be able to pay for it.

My advice for people with friends and family going to infertility.

1) Don't saying "there is always adoption". Do you know how much it cost for adoption? $20,000- $30,000 sometimes more and the waiting lists are usually 2-3 years.
2) Don't complain about your children, at least you have some.
3) Don't complain about how much your kids cost. Again I have probably spent more trying to have kids then you actually spent on your kids. And I don't get to enjoy and making memories with my children.
4) Don't say "it will be okay" when you have no idea what we have even been through in the last 5 years and only see us a few times a year.
5) Don't think I am happy because you don't see the tears when I talk. Crying usually happens alone, locked in the bathroom.
6) Don't give me suggestion about how to become a mother. In the last 5 years, I think I have covered every option available that the checkbook will allow.

The blogs I read are often positive and sometimes that makes me wonder if what I am going through is not normal or if these other women going through infertility don't want to speak about the negative. Excuse my language but this shit f#%king sucks. Blogging about infertility does help me vent but I also feel bad for always being negative. But the truth is the infertility journey is not very joyful. I hope that one day I will be able to turn my experiences into something positive for others going through infertility. For some positive thoughts and info on infertility please see the following websites and blogs.

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