Thursday, December 8, 2016

"How to Survive the Holidays" Just Went Down the Toilet

So…… My post on “How to Survive the Holidays during Infertility”……..Didn’t work for me. Thanksgiving wasn’t hard but I don’t think I can make it through Christmas.  Every year for the last 3 years, I was hoping I would be pregnant for Christmas. I dreamt of surprising everyone on Christmas with the news, but that never happened and now I know it never will. The hardest part about it is that no one understands. They just expect you to be happy and put a smile on your face. They expect you not to ruin their holiday but yet they don’t understand you feel like you’re dying inside. They don’t understand that putting you in a room full of people all laughing, smiling and playing with their kids, kills you.

Friends and family do not understand this and they are celebrating holidays with their families and you know you will never have one, it is hard. When people tell you it will be okay, relax, don’t try so hard, just adopted. THEY HAVE NO IDEA. They have no idea what you have been through and or the toll it’s taken on you, mentally, physically, emotionally and financially.  When people tell you not to wait till the last minute to have kids when you’re around the dinner table, not knowing your situation and you’re supposed to hold in the tears. I think what is even worse is when people know your situation and get mad because you don’t want to me at those events in the first place and get mad when you can’t hold it together.

The fact of the matter is, I am lucky to hold it together for 9 hours, to make it through work. I tell myself I can hold it in until break time, got to car, let it out and compose myself in enough time to dry my eyes and make it back in to work. I know I can cry on my way to work and on my way home. And then other times I have to hold it together. Well, this isn’t even happening now. I just can’t spoke to anyone and then I can hold it in, but as soon as I have to speak I lose it. My only solution so far is not speaking to anyone.

For the past 3 years, my career and my relationships have suffered. I can’t concentrate at work, I don’t want to be around anyone. God Bless my friends that I still do have, they have put up with so much. My husband is my savior. He just holds my when I cry and doesn’t ask any questions. I am grieving the loss of every egg we lost during fertility treatments and I am full of self-loathing at my failure to conceive. I don’t think people realize how intense infertility is and that it is in fact incurable disease.  Our life through this battle has cause the death of the “old” me and the “shell” of the new me is left to battle infertility. I know that there are things I should be thankful for but right now those items are hard to concentrate on. Infertility is fatal…to your life long dreams.


People understand how bad cancer is and the word “CANCER” often frightens everyone. I am not saying cancer isn’t bad. I have had cancer but let me tell you, infertility is way harder of a disease for me then cancer ever was. Cancer you worrying about dying. Infertility leaves you wondering if life's worth it, without children to share it with.  No one understands infertility unless they have been through it and it is not publicly talked about like cancer. This causes feelings of embarrassment, shame, and inadequacy. Endometriosis and Infertility are diseases of my reproductive system that will never go away. I will carry this with me for my entire life and the endometriosis pain will always remind me of that.


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