Monday, June 19, 2017

DEIVF (Donor Egg In Vitro Fetilization) Update

I am still waiting and waiting for the nurse to call our BF Donor. LOL. I laugh because I love to the new nickname I gave my best friend. She did give me permission to use her name but I thought I would wait till the testing came back and she was approved. Which I do not think will be a problem but just to be safe, I will wait. Plus I get a laugh every-time I type "BF Donor". 😁 I will keep everyone updated I promise, just as soon as the nurses and doctors keep me updated.

In the mean time I have 1 viral of follistem so that will save us money but if anyone else has extra fertility medicine that is not expired and would like to donate it please let me know. And Thanks in advance.

Thursday, June 1, 2017

IVF with Donor Eggs Update

We were going to go through Happy Beginnings in Mount Vernon, IL, for our donor eggs. However we were offered an awesome gift from one of my very best friends. I haven't asked her if I can use her name so I will just call her "BF Donor" in my blog for now. This is a huge gift for her to give us and we appreciate it more then we could ever let her know. Now we only have to come up with the doctor cost for monitoring two people ($12,500) and then any medication. Originally we were told $9,500 but that was for doing and IVF without donor eggs. This saves us between $10,000-$16,000 dollars! What a precious gift. We were a bit nervous to use someone we knew at first because it is a lot to ask of someone. They have to have shots, sonograms and just had more stress to their lives, which we never like to inconvenience other people. Plus there is always that question: How will emotions get involved.

I honestly have to say with BF Donor, I don't have to worry about it. I am 100% comfortable with her and like I said she is my best friend. I have pictures of us as babies playing together so in reality she really feels like a sister. Plus it really helps that she seems just as excited about it has I am. She is overjoyed to help us!

So out next steps are waiting for this doctor to call me back.... I hate waiting. Then our BF Donor will have to have an AMH test to check her ovarian egg reserve. We aren't worried about this as she has produced 3 beautiful kids all on her own. Then we were have to fill out consent paperwork and the donor will have to do a learning session just to they can prepare her for what she is about to do. I will keep everyone updated on our process. 

Medication is a concerned because our health insurance will not cover fertility drugs so if anyone has any extra fertility medication from their past cycles and would like to donate it, it would be highly appreciated.

Thursday, May 4, 2017

IVF with Donor Eggs Fundraiser

So we have decided to go forward with an IVF with donor eggs. We found a great physician, Ricardo Loret de Mola, M.D. in Springfield, IL. We also found a great facility to "adopt” the eggs from. Happy Beginnings in Mount Vernon, IL.

With endometriosis we do not have much time to try to conceive before it grows back. We have decided to pursue IVF through Donor Eggs. Unfortunately is process is very costly and we do not have fertility coverage with our health plan.

Doctor: $9500
Eggs: $3500-$10,000
Facility Fee: 6000

This process would allow for a donor (which we choose) to go through the IVF process for us in hope to transfer an embryo for me to carry to term.

So we are starting a puzzle fundraiser. I found this cute idea on a blog I have been following. I thought it would be a great way to include our friends and family and help us get the process moving quicker.

How It Works

For your gift of $20 or more, your name will be written on the back of a puzzle piece. As all of the pieces have names, the puzzle will be assembled. After the puzzle is complete, we will frame the puzzle between two pieces of glass. This will be a wonderful keepsake for our child to see all of the generous friends and family who supported us on this journey and helped bring him/her into our lives and "piece our family together".

I will be updating my blog with the progress of the puzzle as it is formed so you can see the beautiful puzzle you're helping to create for our precious baby.

If you choose to give a gift, Please know that we could never thank you enough for supporting our journey to our baby.

How to Donate

Click on the Donate button on the left sidebar and pay securely through PayPal. You do not need a PayPal account. Credit and debit cards are accepted through this link as well.

Or you can mail a check (email me at for our address).

Or you can go to go at

Monday, April 24, 2017

NIAW - National Infertility Awareness Week

My hardest daily task is to stay positive and it doesn't always get accomplished. Yesterday was the start of National Infertility Awareness Week and it’s wonderful to see all the positive and strong females out there holding it together. It is promising to see the ones that have been blessed with a child after their infertility struggle but it can also be hard because your struggle is not over.

It’s been almost 5 years since my husband and I got married and we have been trying for a baby for the last 4 years. With each year it gets harder and harder. This year has probably been the worst so far. I stopped going to church because honestly I don't feel it does any good and I feel God must hates us too put us through the things we have been through the last few years and I honestly can't get through a service without crying anymore. Truthfully, I wonder “what have I done so wrong that God feels we don’t deserve a child”. I see people who have no education, don’t work, live off the government and they can pop out kids left and right. I just don’t think it is fair. I went to school to try be able to provide for a family, I waited until I was married. What the F$%K did I do wrong?

I know I am supposed to be thankful for what I have and I am. I have an amazing husband and wonderful parents and grandparents but there is still a missing piece of the puzzle. Sometimes I don't know what could be worse. Knowing there is something else to try or just being told your journey is over, focus on something else. At least if someone told me my journey was other I could try to move on. It’s nice to hear a doctor tell you, you have another option but then it’s the stress of how and if you will be able to pay for it.

My advice for people with friends and family going to infertility.

1) Don't saying "there is always adoption". Do you know how much it cost for adoption? $20,000- $30,000 sometimes more and the waiting lists are usually 2-3 years.
2) Don't complain about your children, at least you have some.
3) Don't complain about how much your kids cost. Again I have probably spent more trying to have kids then you actually spent on your kids. And I don't get to enjoy and making memories with my children.
4) Don't say "it will be okay" when you have no idea what we have even been through in the last 5 years and only see us a few times a year.
5) Don't think I am happy because you don't see the tears when I talk. Crying usually happens alone, locked in the bathroom.
6) Don't give me suggestion about how to become a mother. In the last 5 years, I think I have covered every option available that the checkbook will allow.

The blogs I read are often positive and sometimes that makes me wonder if what I am going through is not normal or if these other women going through infertility don't want to speak about the negative. Excuse my language but this shit f#%king sucks. Blogging about infertility does help me vent but I also feel bad for always being negative. But the truth is the infertility journey is not very joyful. I hope that one day I will be able to turn my experiences into something positive for others going through infertility. For some positive thoughts and info on infertility please see the following websites and blogs.

Wednesday, March 29, 2017

Doctors Appointment

It has been a while since I have wrote. I had an appointment with Dr. J. Ricardo Loret de Mola so we can discuss donor eggs and possibly surgery. I have not been in much pain since my liver cleanse so I am not going to do the surgery. My primary physician doesn't think I should do it either unless the pain in unbearable. This year will be our 5 year anniversay and we have been trying for a child for 4 years now. I am use to things not working out at this point so I have not gotten my hopes up to much at this point but the Dr. gave us some options. -  we can use frozen eggs from this company. 6-8 eggs for $14890.00 (Does not include the IVF cost) - these company uses fresh eggs from a fresh cycle and charges $6000 for a facility fee, then the donor sets their rate, anywhere between $3500-$10,000, and then you may have to may for the donor's travel. (Does not include the IVF cost)

We could also go back to our first fertility doctor and see if they are still offering their pilot program for $11000. It included 6-8 frozen eggs and the price includes the IVF. It is cheaper because they are testing out a new unfreezing method.


On a brighter side. I got to see my best friend get married last week! I am so extremely happy for her. I set her up with one of my husbands best friends from childhood and they have been so happy ever since. She is a great women and deserves the best. I also get to watch another great friend of mine and my husband best friend get married in April. I am truely happy for all of them, they make great couples and I am so glad we get to be part of it. We truely have the best friends and family anyone could ask for. Its amazing we have all been friends for at least 13 years. Where does time go?

Friday, February 17, 2017

Natural Fertility Shop Update

December of 2015 I had laparoscopic surgery that revealed that I had several endometriosis, stage 4. They removed all the endometriosis from my belly button up to my diaphragm. In June of 2016, I started taking the Endowise Kit from the Natural Fertility Shop. I instantly noticed a difference in my periods. It had lighten my periods and helped with cramping. I also began to have normal red periods with no clots instead of brownish color with clots. 

With my endometriosis I also had several pain in my chest on the right side. This went away after the surgery but started to come back in November of 2016. So in January 2017 I ordered the Fertility Cleanse Kit and the OvaWise Kit. I started taking the Fertility Cleanse Kit on my next cycle. I love the liver cleanse part of the kit because it only took 14 days and my chest pain from my endometriosis disappeared!!! And it hasn't come back for over a month. Following the Fertility Cleanse I started taking the OvaWise kit 2 weeks ago. 

On January 6th I had a meeting with Dr. J. Ricardo Loret de Mola from SIU School of Medicine. Do to the pain I was having he wanted to do laparoscopic in my stomach and in my chest. The chest part really scared me. However the pain has now been gone thanks to my Fertility Cleanse Kit. I went to his office on Feb 13th and had a sono. They called me the following day and said they could not see any endometriosis!!!!! And they do not want to do a surgery anymore!!! Plus my pain is gone!!!! So next we will have a meeting with him to see about using donor eggs for another IVF. I am just so thankful to Natural Fertility Shop for their products I don't know what I would do if I was still in pain. I am currently taking the OvaWise kit now. It is a lot of pills to take every day but I have no problem with it due to the positive outcome I have had with all their other kits. 

Tuesday, January 31, 2017

Infertility Decisions

It has been a while since I have wrote. Lots of decisions have on my mind. I wonder if anyone really has our best interest at heart. I have not been in much pain since starting the fertility cleanse! This is exciting and wonderful news for me. I am hoping I am not jumping the gun by saying that. Our meeting with Dr. J. Ricardo Loret de Mola had me second guessing jumping into adoption. I am just so confused. I just want a family.


Pros: It might be our only option; we don't have to pay a large lump sum unless we have a child;

Cons: Could take 3-5 years unless we pay an ungodly amount of money; the birth mother could chance her mind and we have to have a relationship with the biological parents which may be good or could be bad.

IVF with donor eggs

Pros: If it works on the first time it would cost less then adoption; It would be my husbands biologically child and we could experience the pregnancy.

Cons: It is not 100% guarantee and if it didn't work we would be out of alot of money;

I hate that is decision is all about money but the fact is we have already spent so much money in the last three years that money is a big part of the decision.

Three horrible years is really starting to way on me and I do NOT see the light at the end of the tunnel anymore. I just keep wishing for a new life but I am stuck in this one. So for now I just keep going one day at a time and waiting for the doctor to get insurance approval so we can see when the next step is and how much that will cost.

I do have to recommend Gateway Woods in Morton IL though. They have been the best through all my decision changing. They went ahead and gave us our money back we paid for the home study which really worried me. They are really there to help you I believe.

Wednesday, January 11, 2017

Natural Fertility Shop

I absolutely love this store and the way the products make me feel. I have been taking the EndoWise Kit for about 6 months now. It has really helped lighten my periods and I believe it has helped keep my endometriosis from growing. The EndoWise Fertility Kit is designed to help support normal endometrial tissue function, support normal hormonal balance, encourage circulation to the reproductive system, and prepare the body for pregnancy. 

This month I ordered the fertility Cleanse Kit. I didn't order it in hopes of getting pregnant but instead I ordered it to cleanse the liver to help my body process the hormones better that cause endometriosis. The kit includes Liver Renewal Capsules, Liver Cleansing Tea, Milk Thistle Seed Extract, Conceptions Tea and a bottle of Women's Best Friend Capsules. I love the Women's Best Friend, even if you take it alone. The benefits of the cleanse include:
  • Supports the liver in detoxification of excess hormones and toxins
  • Assists the uterus in cleansing out old blood
  • Reduces occasional reproductive system discomfort
  • Promotes normal circulation to the reproductive system for optimal health
  • Works with the menstrual cycle for optimal cleansing
  • Contains ingredients exclusively from nature

I also got Ovawise Egg Health Kit which I will do after the Fertility Cleanse. My endometriosis has damaged my eggs so this kit is supposed to help with that. I try not to get my hopes up but I thought, "What the Hell. I will try it." The Ovawise Egg Health Kit includes Fertile Woman One Daily Vitamins, COQ10 Ubiquinol, L-Arginine, Organic Maca, Royal Jelly and Choice Antioxidants. The benefits of the OvaWise Kit include:
  • Supports the body's natural ability to remove excess estrogen from the body (estrogen stimulates endometrial growth)
  • Helps to maintain the body's natural inflammatory response
  • Provides relief from occasional discomfort in the reproductive system
  • Encourages normal circulation, helping to bring fresh blood and oxygen to the reproductive system
  • Aids the body's natural ability to break down fibrin (tissue that makes up a scar tissue)

Wednesday, December 28, 2016

Last Week Of 2016

Christmas was nice. It went by pretty fast. I was able to hold it together long enough to enjoy our families company. No public breakdowns! I can’t believe it is the last week of 2016, but I am ready for 2017. I just keep telling myself that 2017 has to be better than 2016. Our wonderful friends and family are filling out our references for the adoption agency. We are getting finger printed this week and filling out our questionnaires and financial information. We still have to find a guardian. They want us to have a guardian in place in case something happened to both of us. I feel this is the hardest part. They will not let the guardian be grandparents due to them being older. This sucks for me I do not feel my parents are that old, and they would be fully capable of taking care of a child. The guardian also has to meet a certain financial requirement which means we would have to ask whoever we pick to give a lot of personal information. I feel that is a lot to ask our friends but I know they would be more than willing to do it.

My Endometriosis is back and more painful than ever. We have an appointment next week with a new reproductive endocrinologist (RE), Dr. Ricardo Loret De Mola. He practices at SIU School of Medicine in Springfield Illinois. I am not getting hopeful about this appointment because let’s face it, nothing has turned out good so far. I am however going to try to stick to all the diet information I found online for Endometriosis. This will be hard for me because I love coffee and tea.

Wednesday, December 14, 2016

Adoption Begins!!!!!!!!!

Last night we met with an adoption agency, Gateway Woods Family Services Illinois. We have spoken with other adoption agencies but this one just felt right. Lucie was so wonderful to us and provided us with tons of information. They are not a huge adoption agency which means we might have to wait longer for the adoption to go through. We really feel like they have our best interests at heart and they made us feel really comfortable. Also the fact they are a Christian Agency is also a plus. So since both of us felt really good at the meeting we signed up on the spot and wrote the check. Now the homework (fun) begins with our checklist.
  • Adoption training
  • Get finger printed
  • Large questionnaire
  • Get financial information together
  • Get insurance information together
  • Become CPR Registered
  • Pick a guardian in case something were to happen to both of us.
  • Birth Certificates
  • Marriage License
  • Physical Exam
  • Employment History
One we have completed these items our home study will begin!!!! Then we will need to create a book about us, this way when the birth mothers go to the agency they can look through our book along with other adoptive parents and make their selection. This means we need some new awesome photos taken as well.

One plus is that starting January 2017 you do not have to have a foster care license in order to adopt. These means less home checks and restrictions about fire extinguishers, smoke detectors, etc.. We would not have problem passing those checks but they did have to be done every 6 months and you always had to have a crib or bed ready is you had a foster license. Now we can wait till we get the call that we have been selected before we purchase baby items.  

Monday, December 12, 2016

Save Money While Shopping

Just a short post here. I just wanted to remind everyone to sign up for and select the store you plan to shop at so that you can earn cash back. It is super easy. I have been using it for a few months and already got almost $15.00 cash back. Click the link below and instantly get $10 back on your first online purchase from any store!

The Honest Co.

There have been many studies looking at the link between endometriosis and dioxin. Dioxin is a chemical used in bleaching of many products including pesticides, paper towels, toilet paper, coffee filters and feminine products.  All products are FDA approved if the amount of Dioxin is under a certain level but the products can still have trace amounts of dioxin in them.  FDA mainly cares about the absorbency levels so you don't get toxic shock syndrome. 

Having severe endometriosis, I have decided to try to cut out as many nonorganic products as possible. This is a slow process for me as I am learning about each product and it’s hard to get on new routines. Another downfall is that organic products are more expensive but so is healthcare, so I am trying. I already try to eat as much organic food as possible and I switched to unbleached coffee filters. 

My latest product switch and one I feel may help the most is to organic tampons.  I recently purchased organic tampons from The Honest Co. I was a little worried at first the ability to stop leakage but I really think they are just as good, if not better than tampax. Another plus is that the packaging is so cute and doesn’t look like a tampon box at all so you don’t have to worry about hiding the package. Most tampons are bleached with chlorine which leads the the byproduct called dioxin. 26% of the world's pesticide is sprayed on cotton. Now do you really want to put directly inside your body to have it absorbed into blood system.  

I personally can’t wait to try more products from The Honest Co.. They have everything including diapers, laundry detergent, cleaners, towels, personal care, lotions, vitamins and so much more.  

Thursday, December 8, 2016

"How to Survive the Holidays" Just Went Down the Toilet

So…… My post on “How to Survive the Holidays during Infertility”……..Didn’t work for me. Thanksgiving wasn’t hard but I don’t think I can make it through Christmas.  Every year for the last 3 years, I was hoping I would be pregnant for Christmas. I dreamt of surprising everyone on Christmas with the news, but that never happened and now I know it never will. The hardest part about it is that no one understands. They just expect you to be happy and put a smile on your face. They expect you not to ruin their holiday but yet they don’t understand you feel like you’re dying inside. They don’t understand that putting you in a room full of people all laughing, smiling and playing with their kids, kills you.

Friends and family do not understand this and they are celebrating holidays with their families and you know you will never have one, it is hard. When people tell you it will be okay, relax, don’t try so hard, just adopted. THEY HAVE NO IDEA. They have no idea what you have been through and or the toll it’s taken on you, mentally, physically, emotionally and financially.  When people tell you not to wait till the last minute to have kids when you’re around the dinner table, not knowing your situation and you’re supposed to hold in the tears. I think what is even worse is when people know your situation and get mad because you don’t want to me at those events in the first place and get mad when you can’t hold it together.

The fact of the matter is, I am lucky to hold it together for 9 hours, to make it through work. I tell myself I can hold it in until break time, got to car, let it out and compose myself in enough time to dry my eyes and make it back in to work. I know I can cry on my way to work and on my way home. And then other times I have to hold it together. Well, this isn’t even happening now. I just can’t spoke to anyone and then I can hold it in, but as soon as I have to speak I lose it. My only solution so far is not speaking to anyone.

For the past 3 years, my career and my relationships have suffered. I can’t concentrate at work, I don’t want to be around anyone. God Bless my friends that I still do have, they have put up with so much. My husband is my savior. He just holds my when I cry and doesn’t ask any questions. I am grieving the loss of every egg we lost during fertility treatments and I am full of self-loathing at my failure to conceive. I don’t think people realize how intense infertility is and that it is in fact incurable disease.  Our life through this battle has cause the death of the “old” me and the “shell” of the new me is left to battle infertility. I know that there are things I should be thankful for but right now those items are hard to concentrate on. Infertility is fatal…to your life long dreams.

People understand how bad cancer is and the word “CANCER” often frightens everyone. I am not saying cancer isn’t bad. I have had cancer but let me tell you, infertility is way harder of a disease for me then cancer ever was. Cancer you worrying about dying. Infertility leaves you wondering if life's worth it, without children to share it with.  No one understands infertility unless they have been through it and it is not publicly talked about like cancer. This causes feelings of embarrassment, shame, and inadequacy. Endometriosis and Infertility are diseases of my reproductive system that will never go away. I will carry this with me for my entire life and the endometriosis pain will always remind me of that.

Monday, November 28, 2016

Weight Watchers

Follow my blog with Bloglovin I signed up for Weight Watchers Online. Its a nice program that gives you direction but yet you don't have to go to meetings. I am a very busy person and meetings don't always fit in my schedule. Doctors have never said that my weight has had an impact on my fertility but I can't help but feel like if I lost a few pounds I might increase my chances. I am not extremely overweight, I only weight 160, but losing a few pounds never hurt anyone and will probably make me feel alot better. Holidays always cause weight gain so it will be helpful to have a program like Weight Watchers to keep me on track.  I will keep you updated on the process and new recipes as I make them!